David "Jack" Daniels Wiki
David "Jack" Daniels In an ancient and epic age, Jack Daniels was the "Moses" of his time and like most any prophets, he gave hope to his people. Instead of bringing the words of god or 10 commandments to imprison their moral behavior, Jack brought something much more free spirited and tangible; the greatest Malt Whiskey the world has ever seen. In the same legendary regard, his great great greatest grandson David "Jack" Daniels went about his daily life donning out the same level of ferocious happiness his ancestor once created. Early Life Very early on, David "Jack" Daniels knew he was a special motherfucker. At the early age of 6, he managed to successfully pass his kindergarten class by coaxing the teacher into sharing a bottle of Jack with him on a Wednesday afternoon, while the other kids slept during nap time. His ability to seduce women was only at the cusp of its totality, but David already knew he was a beast in the making. David's innate ability to create a hardcore partying atmosphere permeated to all the communities he came into contact with and he wanted the world to benefit by celebrating with him. Therefore, from the ages of 7 to 12, he annually held a party festival called "Davidpalooza", at which he sold fifths of Jack Daniels blessed by the remarkable descendant himself. By the third year of the event, attendance was estimated to be in the 100,000 range. Young David entertained the crowd by ripping shot after shot of his beloved Whiskey, to which analysts believe the ending number may have been in the hundreds, but no-one attending managed to remember as they were "Blacked Out on Jack". In between his innumerable amount of shots, David captivated the crowd by playing guitar, singing, and juggling bottle of Jack that were lit on fire, all at the same time. Remarkably, not a single fan in attendance reached toxic levels of alcohol in bodies. David later told the press of his mystical power to keep safe levels of drunken chaos, passed on from generation to generation of the Jack Daniels family tree. To this day, scientists have been searching for the physical principles that allow such a thing to occur, and have used what they have learned to continue to search for a cure to Cancer and Aids. As David grew older, and eventually hit what can only be called the early stages of puberty, he began to focus more on the females that surrounded him. At age 13, David had to be removed from his middle school because of his intoxicating effect of the women around him, old and young alike were infatuated with his every word, and coupled with the effect of a fifth of Jack Daniels, he was absolutely unstoppable. Interestingly enough, he was the only one in his long lineage who took on the Jack Daniels’ tradition with perfect charm, charisma and incumbent belligerency. David "The Beast" Daniels as he was then called realized his effect on society was too potent at too early an age, and he therefore decided to retreat in nature for 3 years in order to re-connect with his savage instincts. Amazonian Escapade At the tender age of 14, David decided to travel to a remote Jungle located in the heart of the Amazon. Upon his arrival, he managed to construct a three-storey tree villa renowned for its architectural genius that is now a museum and a popular touristic destination to David's avid followers and random visitors alike. David hunted his food using his uncanny ability to smell and detect prey from over 400 meters away and slay the countless number of animal victims by the means of an incredibly sharpened stick that he had carved out with his teeth. David dined on wild boar, gazelles, crocodiles, anacondas, piranhas and the occasional jaguar or cougar that unfortunately would happen to cross his path. He did not particularly enjoy the taste of the latter listed feline predators, but appreciated the artistic carpet value they're hide provided his Jungle Bachelor Pad with. David was resourceful to say the least, as somehow he continued to make, and drink his favorite Whiskey on a regular basis, using ingredients he found in the jungle to create the hyper-secretive formula that is Jack Daniels. Even the ingenuous people of the Amazon found David to be a deity amongst mere human. Whispers throughout the area spoke of a Tarzan God "Turuk Makto" that could kill a beast merely by the shear fear imbued by his eye-sight. Most of the rumors were only spoken of as legends, as no-one ever saw the god; they only heard the hunting call which was said to be as loud as 800 yelling silverback apes. Soon enough, tribes all throughout the Amazon were worshipping him, and regularly offered up the tribe's most beautiful virgins to him as a gift. The first young woman was instructed to approach the "Watadong" ("forbidden garden") that had been identified as Turuk Makto's habitat, and cry out to him. After the first virgin came back unable to remove her orgasmic smile from her face, it was soon considered a fortuitous honor to be offered up to the Tarzan God. Each woman that went soon came back unable to explain what she had been through, and unable to tell her romantic tale to the people of the tribe. Sure enough, without the use of protection, most of these women were impregnated, and gave birth to boys that would grow up to have prodigious strength and hunting ability. Many historians firmly believe that David had fathered at least 100 children amongst the various tribes in the area, but no one can be sure. Although David ate and lived handsomely, he longed for his most favorite type of meat, the luxurious Kobe Beef of the metropolitan restaurant community, and decided to come back to America. Lost in History All accounts of the man formerly known as David Daniels were no longer considered provable after he left the Amazon. A couple of witnesses say they saw a man jump into the sea from off a port in Sao Paolo and swim away with the an alien like speed, creating 30 foot waves along the way. On the shores of Virginia Beach, another witness says he was simply taking a scenic picture of the beach when he felt a swift gust of air thrust him 20 meters backwards. When this said witness later developed the pictures from that odd day, he found an extremely interesting image. Some rumors have recently surfaced that when David arrived to the shores of Virginia Beach he renounced many of the prodigious talents and tried to fit in. Some even say that he is living incognito in the Washington area as a mere college student, but this was never confirmed. Category:Browse